It doesn’t matter what you do as a mum, you know you’re always going to be in the wrong, don’t you?!
Whatever you do, there’s always going to be someone out there with an opinion on what you are doing. Which is why the ‘stay at home mums’ versus ‘working mums’ debate still rages on.
I’ve been on both the working and stay at home mums side. I have always worked full time, then when my eldest who is now 8 came along, I carried on working part time when my maternity leave finished.
This prompted comments such as ” He’ll forget who you are, you’re never there!”
Then when my second came along, I had to stop working as putting two children in nursery and before and after school clubs was too expensive – at just under £800 a month childcare, and then transport costs at a £100 a month, I’d have been working for literally nothing.
So I became a ‘stay at home mum.’ I’m lucky in that I was in a position to do so, as my husband earns enough to be able to pay all the bills and mortgage.
This now gets new comments.
“So when are you going back to work?” “Are you working yet?!”
Never mind that since leaving work I have had a small person and baby to care for. The past eight years have been all about babies and toddlers. My now 8 year old started school at the age of 4, which is the exact time that I had my youngest, who has now just turned 4. So there has always been the baby and toddler stage going on.
You just can’t win can you?! Whatever you do, there’s going to be someone to tell you the ‘other way’ is better. Take it from me, whichever one you’re doing it’ll be the wrong one.
So as long as it’s working for you and your family, that’s all that matters – stick your fingers in your ears and ignore the rest.
I’ve also seen both sides and if you’d asked me three years ago I never thought I’d say I was a SAHM. But here I am and I feel very lucky and very fortunate to have a choice. It won’t be forever that I don’t work, but whilst they are little I am incredibly grateful to have this time with them.
Same here, as in I’d never have seen myself as a SAHM either. I’ve always loved working, but circumstances have made it this way. I do want to go back to work, but it is finding hours to fit in with childcare pick up as husbands hours are shift work ones! I do want to go back to work eventually. It is nice to have time with them when they’re little, even though I may need reminding of that when they’re being little so and so’s! 🙂
Great post – and so, so true! We decided that I’d take a break from work (for as long as I wanted) after V was born. I am lucky that I have the choice. I didn’t know if I’d want to go back to work or not. And now (V is 13 months) I know I don’t. I’m very happy being a SAHM. But there are many people who keep asking, ‘When are you going back to work?’ When I tell them I have no plans yet, the next question is, ‘You should just have another baby. Get it over and done with.’ Err… EXCUSE ME? What’s wrong with just enjoying being with the one I already have?
Oh, I could go on – but I’ll stop now 😉
It’s amazing how you can never do right by some people. Do stick your fingers in your ears (or up at people) and do what is best for you and your family.
I‘ve seen both sides too. I went back to work after my eldest was born and had people telling me staying home was better and making me feel guilty for doing what I thought was best. Now my second is here and we‘d be worse off if I went back due to childcare costs, so I‘m staying home now. However, according to some I must not be going back because I‘m lazy! You just can‘t win.
Great post…in my opinion, ultimately, you know you are right in whatever you choose to do… as long as you love doing what you do! The step before that is where you have to do something because of responsibility. Our markers are happiness, health and fulfilment, so the more you experience those, the more ‘correct’ your decisions are! Just be true to yourself.
Personally, my daughters preferred mum at home – but that was the result of circumstance, rather than foresight. However now, I would say there is a solution and one that is perfect for all, hence the paragraph above.
this is so true, I found I had unwanted advice about feeding………….It’s great to have opinions it make the world more interesting by there’s time when they should be kept private
Love this post. I have 4 children and now it’s assumed I will work part time when he starts school – never mind what happens in the holidays or the fact I still have loads to do for them. Never mind if they get ill!
Your post completely struck a chord with me. I’ve gone back to work after maternity leave with both my babies and have worked either 2 or 3 days at different points. I wanted to work and bluntly we needed the money. My working hours are worked so that my son is only ever dropped at school and picked up by me, my OH or his Grandma (1 day a week) as when he started school I felt it was important that he could just come home and chill out and not be in childcare.
My daughter goes to nursery 1 or 2 days a week (depending on OH’s work commitments) and her grandma looks after her 1 day a week.
On the one hand I feel we have a good balance with the children enjoying mixing with my Mum and other children and being at home with me 2 days in the week. On the other hand I always feel I’m chasing my tail with keeping the balls in the air. I couldn’t do it without a supportive OH, my Mum and some great friends.
I am lucky enough to have been generally surrounded by people who understand and have not had many comments about my working. I do feel my children have benefited from doing nursery a couple of times a week but it’s always awful when they’re ill and I have to juggle being there for them and keeping work happy.
I really wish everyone would accept that everyone does what’s best for them given their circumstances. There really is no right answer. Working mums shouldn’t assums SAHMs are all brainless, dribbling nursery rhyme singers and SAHM shouldn’t assume working mums have all abandoned their children (I’m generalising but you take my point).
So so right. Like many of the other comments I never thought I’d be a SAHM but I am and I am still surprised to find it so hard and yet so rewarding. I had a very busy working life before kids and thought I’d definitely be a working mum. When it came down to it though, it just wasn’t going to work. My job wasn’t type that I could do part-time and so my son would have been in nursery for more that 40 hours a week. It just didn’t seem right for us. Now we have 3 and I mind them both but yes, comments are ridiculous;
“caring for your child full time at home? Aren’t you worried he won’t be able to socialise?” yea, coz we never leave the house and never talk or interact with anyone or each other…tsk
Or “you must be so bored” …..what? Please can I be bored, just for one day.
Or ” must be so hard not to have your own money and independence” emmmm, 2 kids, doubt of I worked I’d have either of those things anyway. It’s not like pre-kids.
Or “do you not miss using your brain?” …..what brain?
Seriously though, the saddest bit for me is the whole mums slagging off other mums, whether they work at home or in another workplace. I mean we all work, we all try and do our best. Women can be very unsupportive of one another. It is a shame.
I actually managed to be a SAHM and work, did child minding for a bit, and was pretty shocked at the attitude to that. Rather than respect for trying to do both and working harder than I have ever done , ever , a lot of people really looked down their noses.
Like you say, can’t win.